


locked out of heaven

by holdonhoney



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, also mentions of fatin, and even mentions of martha but not really, basically just shelbys inner thoughts and kissing, mentions of dot - Freeform, small gay ppl <3, who doesnt like angry gay and happy gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28457292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdonhoney/pseuds/holdonhoney
Summary: Maybe she kissed Toni because of too much exposure to the sun, or maybe it was delirium from being too hungry. Whatever it was, Shelby was sure it wasn't the best idea in the world.OrA little background into why miss youth pastor Shelby Goodkind decided to kiss Toni Shalifoe in 1x07
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 3
Kudos: 85





	locked out of heaven

**Author's Note:**

> hello lgbts, I haven't written anything except essays for school since around 2016 when peak clexa was happening but something awoke inside of me after watching the wilds. I promise you I can write something better than whatever this is and I actually am working on multi-chapter shelby & toni + leah & fatin fic but that's for another day. I just wanted to write something and well, here it is. There isn't much to this except some mentions of Becca, I don't think I ever wrote about what actually happened explicitly but just in case tw/ suicide. i also have never posted onto AO3 so if something went wrong.. I do not know how to fix it. 
> 
> if ur reading this, I hope you stay safe and have a happy new year!

Shelby never saw herself as impulsive and an “in-the-moment” type of person because for as long as she could remember, every decision she made came with at least ten minutes of thinking. Impulsivity was basically frowned upon where she came from and to Shelby, being impulsive often resulted in hurting others. Being impulsive hurt Becca and being impulsive is what landed her on a deserted island with a bunch of girls that she would’ve never been friends with, in any other situation. Shelby couldn’t believe that it took her being trapped on the deserted hellhole to really appreciate Dot, but she was somewhat glad that the girls all ended up where they did. She loved everyone, maybe not Toni Shalifoe, but at least she tried. 

Toni was different from any person Shelby had ever met and definitely the antithesis of Shelby Goodkind’s proper and bubbly attitude. Toni was the definition of impulsive and it freighted Shelby to the deepest of her core. Toni’s brazen and often abrasive impulsivity didn’t scare Shelby for the reasons it scared Martha, the girl who has often had to come in and save Toni from whatever bad decision she has decided to make. It scared Shelby because Toni has never lived a life that wasn’t her own. Toni didn’t run from her fears like Shelby did, instead, she would go fist first into whatever fear was standing in her way. Shelby could see the disappointment in Martha’s eyes when Toni took the ax to their shelter in the “shelter building contest” that Shelby was so totally sure that they were going to win. She saw the way every girl except Martha flinched with every blow of the ax to the flimsy wood in front of Toni. While Toni’s bomb of a personality finally exploded, everyone stood by in horror while Martha watched something, she was all too familiar with. Shelby wasn’t scared of Toni like some people were, she wasn’t scared of the possibility of getting too close to Toni during one of her “moments”, as Martha would call it. Shelby was never scared of the small girl but instead was worried that Toni would eventually end up hurting herself. Shelby admired the way Toni was stubborn and stood firm for everything she believed in, even if it was a matter of life or death. Shelby wished she had even an ounce of the courage Toni carried on her shoulders, the courage to be yourself no matter what. Even when Toni was knocking on the door of the grim reaper, she calmly told Shelby to fuck off because she would rather die than let someone, she disliked saving her life. Shelby both criticized and admired this behavior because on one hand, it was stupid and idiotic but on the other hand, Toni truly stood for everything she believed in. That is all Shelby ever wanted, she always prayed silently at night to live and breathe her truths. Shelby didn’t want to be known as the bubbly youth pastor from Texas who had a very unsavory Westboro Baptist moment in the face of Toni Shalifoe expressing her sexuality. After years of telling herself that she knew who she was, suddenly she was on an island contemplating every single decision she had ever made. The excruciating pain of finally letting herself think about the death of her best friend, a death she blamed herself for. If only I had said something? looped in her brain over and over again until she finally decided to repress those thoughts once more. Shelby didn’t want to admit it but the same feelings that she had felt when she would take small glimpses at Becca, found themselves growing in her stomach as she watched Toni do anything. She was glad that the other girls were preoccupied with the task of trying to get them off of the island and that none of them paid attention to the way Shelby would look at Toni. Shelby’s favorite time to look at Toni was when the small fire that Dot somehow kept alive, danced in the reflection of Toni’s brown eyes. Although Shelby really loved to look at Toni when there was a big face eating grin on her face, there was something so incredible about seeing the fiery girl so calm and peaceful. 

And even after the unfortunate events of Shelby’s “big-gay-meltdown”, as Dot would put it, Shelby found herself awkwardly hovering over Toni as she was kneeling on the ground, looking for the best firewood she could find. For a second, it felt like Shelby hadn’t drunk water in ages as her throat began to feel like it was closing. The right words to say to the girl next to her danced on the tip of her tongue but she was never able to find them. Instead, Shelby found herself rambling about how she had definitely been through things in life without actually saying what she had been through. To Shelby, nothing she had gone through would ever amount to the trauma of losing a loved one in a way as Dot did, but she just wanted to let people know that not everything was good in her life. Not everything was straight out of a picture-perfect moment and that she too had problems. Instead of telling Toni all of the ways she hated herself, or each and every time she realized her dad would never love her if she were to love who she wanted to love. She couldn’t tell Toni that after years of watching her dad conduct conversion therapy in her living room as her family ate breakfast that the thought of coming out was unbearable. She could’ve let her walls down and cried in Toni’s arms about how kissing her best friend was one of the biggest mistakes of her life because of the consequences and she would’ve had to listen to Toni tell her that it wasn’t her fault. Maybe, just maybe, she could’ve opened the walls just a little bit for Toni to breakthrough. But she didn’t, and she couldn’t. Shelby desperately wanted to confide in Toni, for reasons she couldn’t explain. But letting Toni in meant she had to face the realities of the situation, that she finally had to come to terms that she may be living a life that isn’t hers. All these feelings of what Shelby would describe as self-pity were quickly flushed away as the familiar feeling of desperation washed over her body. Similar to the desperate feeling she felt after watching Toni hold Martha’s nearly lifeless body in her hands, crying about how she didn’t matter. Shelby knew that Toni didn’t know that all she could think about was how that wasn’t true. Shelby couldn’t tell anyone that after everything calmed down with the food poisoning debacle, she prayed to God that maybe one day he could finally let Toni Shalifoe be happy. Shelby wanted Toni to see herself the way Shelby saw her, or the way Martha saw her. 

Shelby looked helplessly at Toni as she spoke about her parents, spoke about the feeling of just wanted to be wanted. There was no way in hell that Shelby was going to tell Toni that she wanted her. Shelby couldn’t tell Toni that ever since the two landed on the island, all Shelby could think about was how maybe if they were different people, they could be together. Maybe, if Shelby wasn’t herself, they could be together. Shelby digested every word that came out of Toni’s mouth, her eyes darting between Toni’s eyes and her lips. 

“If you’re trying to out sad me, it’s a losing fucking battle”

“But you’re free, don’t you see that you don’t have to answer to anybody?”

“and neither do you!” 

Shelby didn’t know how to tell Toni that she wasn’t free, and she never would be free from her own mind. The only person that was holding her back was herself. Shelby would rather die than let herself be free because being free meant her family hates her. Shelby already hated herself so the thought of the people who raised her hating her was unbearable. The image of her dad’s disappointed and disgusted face played on a constant loop in Shelby’s mind, especially when she was alone with her thoughts. It always made Shelby laugh when the other girls questioned why she was constantly trying to make herself busy. Sure, Shelby loved the feeling of being needed and feeling important, but she kept herself busy, so she didn’t have time to think. In brief moments, she was alone after letting the island know that she may have a slight disdain for gay people, Shelby found herself alone. While she often thought about her dad when she was alone, all she could think about then was the face of hurt and disgust that Toni shot at her when everything happened. She made Toni feel like how her dad often made her feel. Shelby so desperately just wanted Toni to like her, but she understood why she didn’t. Through all of the pain and trauma, the unsinkable eight had endured throughout their time on the island, for some reason, the thought of hurting Toni Shalifoe shot straight up to the top of the list for Shelby Goodkind. 

“… you’re free here Shelby, and if you’re not taking advantage of that then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.”

Maybe Toni was right, maybe Shelby was free to be herself on this island she was starting to call home. But Shelby didn’t know what that looked like. She always thought about the possibility of moving away for college and living a life that was hers, but she never knew what that looked like. How could she imagine a life where she was anything but the picture-perfect Shelby Goodkind that presented herself to the world. Shelby didn’t have time to think about the comedic factor of Toni being the one to break through Shelby’s emotional barriers. The girl Shelby described as the teenage girl embodiment of the anti-Christ was one of the only people to finally tell Shelby what she so desperately wanted to hear. 

Shelby’s hands immediately felt comfortable as they snaked around the back of Toni’s head, pulling Toni’s lips onto her own. Shelby pulled Toni as close to her as humanely possible, scared that if she lost her grip, she might regret her decision and pull away. Shelby had kissed a handful of people in her life, but nothing came close to the feeling of kissing Toni. Kissing a girl, she barely knew had more passion and tension than any kiss she shared with her boyfriend. Slight desperation lingered in the air as both girls clung to each other as they had never kissed anyone before. Shelby’s body relaxed as Toni’s hands wrapped around her torso, a slight feeling of electricity with each inch of skin that Toni’s fingers grazed over. For a brief moment, every muscle in Shelby’s body melted in the hands of Toni Shalifoe. The feeling of the world’s expectations lifting off of Shelby’s shoulders made her feel free. For once in her life, she felt the same freedom that Toni was talking about. 

But everything good must eventually come to an end. It was like a light went off as Shelby snapped back to reality, her hands abruptly unwrapping themselves from the back of Toni’s head. Her face flushed with fear and confusion as she just stared at Toni for what felt like forever. Shelby could see Toni’s look of confusion as she just stood there. Toni’s face was much softer than usual, almost like she had a sudden realization that maybe she was wrong about Shelby after all. Toni watched as the annoying confident blonde, white girl turned on her heels as fast as she could and ran through the wilds. Toni went to chase after the girl but realized she was going too fast and understood that maybe this was the best time to give her some space. For once in Toni’s life, she was shocked and definitely did not see that coming. But maybe she should have known, especially since there were times where she could feel Shelby’s eyes glued onto her. Or maybe she should’ve known from all of the times she watched Shelby’s eyes dart from Toni’s eyes to her lips. Toni realized that Shelby never hated her but instead she hated herself. Toni would never admit it but maybe she always had a soft spot for the youth pastor from Texas and maybe fate has a funny way of throwing people together. 

Shelby didn’t know why she ran; she didn’t know why she couldn’t have just dealt with the repercussions of her actions. But she did know that the last time she tried to kiss someone that wasn’t her boyfriend it ended up with a tragedy that she couldn’t even try to think about. Shelby didn’t know what she would do if something like that happened to Toni. Shelby thought that maybe she ran from Toni because she realized she was straight and knew she made a mistake, but she quickly realized she was lying to herself. All she could think about was the feeling of Toni’s lips on hers, the feeling of finally being free. All Shelby could think about was the angry little basketball player that quite literally tried killing her with a tree branch a couple of days prior. While the other girls were plagued with the thoughts of dying on the island or being trapped on this hellhole forever, all Shelby Goodkind could think about was Toni Shalifoe. 

To Shelby, Toni was the closest thing to heaven on Earth and maybe that’s why she kissed her.


End file.
